Live From Andrew's Phone, It's Saturday Night
by Undead Author
Summary: The Social Network. Jesse/Andrew. Text!fic between Jesse and Andrew regarding Jesse's episode of Saturday Night Live. AU.


**Text from Andrew Garfield: **

oooh jess i'm so excited! your first saturday night live

isn't this a rite of passage for you Americans?

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg: **

Haha, no. Only the funny ones.

…That sounded conceited.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

no it didn't, promise

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Just try to keep the humiliation and degrading to a minimum, will you?

At one point I ramble about how cocky I am.

So…

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

i'll bet you do ;)

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Okay, okay, ha ha, that's what she said, et cetera et cetera.

Ugh, it's about to start…

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

can't wait!

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Must you use multiple exclamation points?

No, retract that—must you use exclamation points AT ALL?

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

ignoring thaaaat

yay!

oh, who's this lady? this isn't my jesse! false advertising!

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

There ARE other people on the show, you know. There are regular actors that, like, get paid to do it regularly.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

i do not find her funny at all

didn't even watch the state of the union

silly Americans

blah blah blah cast bunch of comedians i don't care about…

nicki minaj? bit too eccentric for my blood

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

…did I read that right?

SHE'S too eccentric for YOU?

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

AND YOUR HOST, JESSE EISENBERG!

oh dear you look so good up on stage

hear everyone clapping for you?

oh, yeah, the social network, heard that movie kind of sucked

sorry

AHAHAHA "freight train of confidence"

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Oh, God, my monologue

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

….

you? an expert in women?

you flatter yourself, darling

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Shut up.

I was rambling at that point.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

i don't think you realize how adorable you are

WOOO THE OSCARS

i can't wait either, got my suit all picked out

my TOMS are ready to go

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg: **

It's a month away, Andrew.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

details, details

oh, who's this lad?

he does sort of look like mark…

no, just another actor. IMPOSTER!

oh my god

the bastard himself mark zuckerberg

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Oh, my god, it was so awkward

You're lucky you've never met Eduardo

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

well i dunno, he seems to be taking it all in stride

maybe that's because he has no friends and sits all alone at his computer metaphorically refreshing his nonexistent social life

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

You're getting them confused, Andrew

You know they're two separate Marks.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

i bet eduardo would appreciate me portraying him in such a suave, sexy manner

hold on, gotta get the lasagna out from the oven

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

…you cooked a lasagna for yourself? A whole one?

You amaze me, honestly you do.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

yummy

okay, nickelodeon spoof

JESSE

JESSE WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR HEAD

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING

oh my lord

that girl needs to get her balloon off of you

jesse dear

oh, to be that electromagnetic conductor

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

You said you'd keep the teasing to a minimum!

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

commercial breeeak

i like that hat very much

no, he doesn't wear pajama bottoms, he wears clothes stolen from sets of movies! i can't tell you how many shirts from zombieland he's got strewn across his apartment!

this is strange

i am thoroughly frightened, jess

who are these people?

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

They're a comedy group called The Lonely Island. They're nice guys.

I'm not in this next bit, The Weekend Update.

But it's funny if you want to watch it.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

no jesse no viewing!

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg: **

How sweet.

I'll just feed Pickles then.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

tell him i said hi

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

"Meow"

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

I Can Do Internet All By Myself

is this a project you're working on that you've not told me about?

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Har.

It's almost over, you really don't have to continue watching, you know.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

oh, but i do. i really really do.

oh my god jess

you look good with a hunchback!

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

…Thank you.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

"I only date Jewish girls"

BLASPHEMY AND HERESY

YOU ALSO DATE JEWISH BRITISH-AMERICANS

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

It's a technicality.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

euuugh skins

you Americans stole it from us and just gave the whole franchise a bad name!

it had class and dignity before you made it child pornography

i mean, sure, maybe generations 2 and 3 weren't nearly as cool as 1, but still!

they all had their charm!

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

If you say so…

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

you look nice with your hair pushed back

also skinny ties do well on you

…so used cars make you horny huh? ;)

having sex with a squirrel skin

w o w

yeah take your clothes off!

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

You should do commentary, you know that?

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

you flatter me

hmmm

you know

we should go to a spa sometime

my cuticles are giving me all sorts of grief

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

See, the sad thing is I know you're not kidding.

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE

I SEE JESSE'S NOT-SO-VIRGIN WHITE BOXERS

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Enjoying the view?

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

very much thanks!

OUR PENISES WERE TOO BIG

i think your penis is lovely as it is, dear

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

Oh my god…

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

that was brilliant, best only episode of SNL I've ever watched

**Text from Jesse Eisenberg:**

You are too too kind.

So I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

**Text from Andrew Garfield:**

you bet. :)


End file.
